Review of Ninja Assassin

A travesty.  An absolute travesty.  It could have been a great movie about ninjas trying to adapt to modern times while staying true to their long-held code and traditions.  Could almost have been a parable about the struggles of us here at the International Ninja Union.  But instead, the movie takes a bitter ex-ninja named Raizo who failed his training and then slaughters an entire clan of hard-working ninja and turns him into the hero!

How dare they!

Now, there are some sympathetic characters in the movie:

  • Ozuno, the kindly old ninja master who takes the young Raizo under his wing
  • Takesh, his adopted brother, who helps train him, and protects him from those who would betray him–like the young girl who coddles him as a child and tries to seduce him away from the clan when they are teens
  • even an attractive ninja who only wants help folding a sheet in the laundrymat

But they are all slaughtered in turn by the psychopathic and vengeful, Raizo.  I truly hope no one falls for this anti-ninja propaganda.  On a scale of 1 to 10, I give it a negative four billion.

Spring is Here. Celebrate with a Song!

A song for ninja to fall in love to. Or kill to. It’s all the same to ninja.

Death by Ninja (A Love Song)

Offical Statement on Ninja Issues from the I.N.U.

Welcome to the official site of the International Ninja Union. We are dedicated to the advancement of ninja warriors both in employment in their chosen profession as well as in their personal lives and in helping those ninjas to escape persecution. In order to accomplish those things, we have a list of goals which we will be working toward over the next eighteen months.

1. Health Care is rarely if ever provided by a ninja’s employer, typically because the secrecy that is required would be broken if an employer knew the ninja’s name or social security number. Many ninja can not even get their own health care without submitting their name and soc sec number, which we believe is a violation of a ninja’s right to secrecy and a threat to their very lives if that identity were revealed. We propose a health care system where a ninja can get health insurance without submitting a picture or an identity verification. Ninja do not lie about health care, and they pay their bills on time, so there is no reason for all the extra hassle.

2. Unemployment coverage is also impossible to get as a secretive martial arts practitioner, and many ninja who lose their jobs have nowhere to turn, often ending up in low paying jobs or killing cheaply and without honor for the highest bidder. We proudly support unemployment insurance for all ninja.

3. Retirement care is a huge issue for a whole generation of ninja that are starting to retire in the next five years. Those ninja will have no pension, very little social security, and often have very little money buried in an earthen jar near their secret lair.  With no retirement savings many of these ninja will be forced to take more and more students, leaving us with an ever growing number of trained killers and less and less jobs for them to compete for. The consequences of this could be disastrous for our whole country unless we find a way to help these poor retired ninja who have served many of us so well.